Q. How many Manchester United fans does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Three. One to change the light bulb, one to buy the "2008 light bulb changing" commemorative t-shirt and video, and one to drive the other two back to Hertfordshire.

Chelsea fans decided to wear fancy dress to a match on Tuesday...

18,000 of them turned up dressed as blue seats!!!!

Alan Curbishley was getting worried about West Hams string of poor results and decided to introduce a new training method.

At the next session he placed eleven dustbins in formation on the pitch and had his team practice dribbling around them and passing between them before shooting for goal.

The dustbins won 6-0.

Wayne Rooney and Coleen are sitting in front of the television watching the six o'clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below.

Coleen turns to Rooney and says: "Wayne, I bet you £5,000 that he jumps!" to which Rooney replies "£5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn't."

So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching. Sure enough, the man jumps. Rooney takes £5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Coleen.

But she refuses. "I can't take your money Wayne," she says, "The truth is, I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going to jump."

"No, fair's fair" says Wayne, "That money is yours fair and square - I was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o'clock news, too - I just didn't think he would do it again."

Q: What do you get when you offer a Spurs fan a penny for his thoughts?

A: Change!

A Chelsea fan, an Arsenal fan and a Man Utd. fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of beer. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them.The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the beer, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Chelsea fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Chelsea fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Man Utd. fan was next up and after watching the scene, said: "Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.

The Arsenal fan was the last one up but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Arsenal fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave. "The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

"Please tie the Man Utd. fan to my back."

A man is sitting in a pub with his Jack Russell dog one Saturday afternoon. The football results are coming up on the television in the corner, "Liverpool 2, Tottenham Hotspur 1," reads the announcer in his normal, rather sedate, voice.

Suddenly the Jack Russell dog jumps up and shouts out, "Oh, no, not again."

The shocked landlord says, "That's amazing. Why did he say that when the result was announced that Tottenham lost?"

"Because he's a Spurs supporter," the dog's owner replies.

The landlord then asked what the dog says when Tottenham win a match, to which the man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him three years."

The seven dwarfs are down in the mines when there is a cave-in.
Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them.
In the distance a voice shouts out "Arsenal are good enough to win the Champions League."
Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"

Wayne Rooney: "I had an open goal but still I didn't score. I could kick myself."

Alex Ferguson: "I wouldn't bother. You'd probably miss."

Alex Ferguson is getting worried about his team's recent poor form against Arsenal.

He just can't understand it, Manchester United are the biggest club in Europe, have all the best players, but every time they play the Gunners, they get beaten.

So Alex gives Arsene Wenger a call and explains his problem. Arsene is very understanding and invites Alex down to watch his team training.

Alex turns up in London and spends a day watching the Arsenal players. At the end of the training session he says to Arsene: "I still don't understand, we seem to do all the same things in training that you do, but you still beat us all the time".

"Ah" says Mr Wenger, "I don't think it's anything to do with the training. I think it's because my players are more intelligent than yours".

Alex looks a bit peeved and asks Arsene, "What the hell do you mean by that?".

"Well" says Arsene, "We also train our boys in lateral thinking".

To demonstrate his point he calls over Cesc Fabregas.

"Cesc, here's a problem for you. He's you father's son, but he's not your brother; who is he?".

"That's easy" says Fabregas, "it's me."

"Correct" says Arsene.

Alex is very impressed. He goes back to Manchester and next day in training he calls over Wayne Rooney.

"Wayne, I've been talking to Arsene Wenger and he reckons his players are more intelligent than ours".

"That's rubbish, Boss", is Rooneys considered reply.

"OK", says Alex, "I've got a question for you. He's your father's son, but he's not your brother. Who is he?"

Rooney looks blank and replies, "Need some time to think about this one boss, can I tell you tomorrow?"

Alex agrees and Rooney goes home thinking about the problem. He asks Coleen, but she hasn't a clue what he's talking about.

He eventually decides to give Nemanja Vidić a call, thinking that as Arsenal have a lot of foreign players, maybe he will understand.

"Hello Nemanja, it's Wayne. I've got a question for you. He's your father's son, but he's not your brother. Who is he?".

"That's easy", says Vidic, "It's me".

So Rooney calls over Alex Ferguson the next day in training and says, "Morning Boss, I've got the answer to that question"

"OK. What is it?" asks Alex.

"It's Nemanja Vidić" replies the confident Rooney.

"You stupid idiot!" shouts Alex, "It's not Nemanja Vidić... it's Cesc Fabregas!!!"

A Tottenham fan is in the Australian outback and he approaches a farmer with a proposition… "Excuse me Sir, if I can tell you how many sheep you have on your farm, can I have one…?" The farmer thinks there's no chance of him guessing so he agrees…

"I reckon you've got 19,753…" says the spurs fan. The farmer is amazed, as this is the correct number and tells him to help himself - which he duly does.

The farmer then says "I need a bit of a chance to get even with you, so if I can tell you what football team you support, can I have my sheep back…?" The Tottenham fan agrees and is also stunned when the farmer correctly names spurs as his favourite team.

"How did you know that…?" enquires the spurs fan.

"Never mind how I knew, just put my dog down and clear off…"

Q: What is the difference between Christiano Ronaldo and God?

A: God doesn't think he is Christiano Ronaldo!

Q: What is black and white, black and white and black and white ?

A: A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill

Wayne Rooney, The Pope, Michael Schumacher and a girl are all on a plane.

The plane is going to crash and there are only 3 parachutes.

Wayne Rooney says "I will take a parachute, as I am a great footballer" and jumps out of the plane.

Michael Schumacher says "I will take a parachute, as I am a great racing driver" and jumps out of the plane.

The Pope tells the little girl, "You take the last parachute because I am old, but you still have your whole life ahead of you".

The little girl says,"No, lets both have a parachute"

The Pope says, "No little girl, there were only 3 parachutes".

The girl says, " Yes I know, but Wayne Rooney took my backpack!"

It was announced in the press today that thieves broke into the home of Wayne Rooney and stole two books.

"The thing that upsets me", said Rooney, "is that I hadn't finished colouring them in yet!"

Q. What do you call a Manchester United fan with half a brain?

A: Gifted.

During a recent burglary at Tottenham's ground, the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen.

The police are looking for a man with a navy blue and white carpet!

Rafael Benitez: "Our new winger cost five million. I call him our wonder player"

Sir Alex Ferguson: "Why's that?"

Rafael Benitez: "Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!"

What do you call an intelligent, talented Chelsea player that doesn't dive?

A rumour!!!!